Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
