She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Is it because I queefed?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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