i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
