He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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