My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm experimenting with sincerity
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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