Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Randomize
