we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
