you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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