3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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