Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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