It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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