I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
tonight lets celebrate not being married
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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