She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
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I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
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I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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