He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
