so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
