Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
