This dress was meant to end up on your floor
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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