You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
