We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
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I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
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The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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