i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
