Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
