Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
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I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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