On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
