Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
