just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
