just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
