He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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