i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
