You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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