I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
