i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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