A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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