I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize