my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
