We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
