I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Never joke about your clitoris.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
