I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
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It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
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Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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