I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
