yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
