I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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