well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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