I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
