Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
