My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
