i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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