My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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