mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
