so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
