She said her name was "party"
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
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Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
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She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize