Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
