you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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