I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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