I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
