he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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