So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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