i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
