3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
