I can feel you judging me through the phone.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
