I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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