I accidentally burped into my bong.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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